Here Comes 26!

Tomorrow is my 26th birthday!

It’s crazy to think about how everything has changed over the last year. Pregnancy and giving birth was the biggest thing. Having Amelia in my life has been such a blessing.

Not being in school anymore was also a big change. I’ve been going to school for more than half my life at this point and it feels so foreign to not go back to school shopping in a few weeks, haha. At this time last year I was gearing up to take the bar exam at nine months pregnant. I was doubting myself, stressed to the max, and so uncomfortable from pregnancy I could only focus for a few hours a day. It still hasn’t hit me that I passed and am a licensed attorney. It probably won’t hit me until I start working.

This time last year I was still grieving very heavily over my dad’s death and I can honestly say that hasn’t changed much. I mentioned in a previous post that I saw a therapist due to my sexual assault. I saw her once right after my dad died and didn’t go back because I was so busy with school and the bar exam that my mental health took a back seat. Fast forward to now, when all the dust has settled, I find my grief to have increased and my anxiety along with it. Last month I started seeing my therapist again. Since then I’ve had two bad anxiety attacks. A lot of it stems from trying to push my grief to the side so I could study or care for a newborn. I am such a huge advocate for taking care of your mental health and I’m so glad I’ve gotten to a point where I recognize I need help and seek it immediately. Mary 3 years ago would not have done that.

Last year I wrote a post about reflecting on what happened during my 24th year, similar to this one. One thing I mentioned was what I hoped would happen during my 25th year. In that post, I wrote, “I constantly ask why in every aspect of my life and I think a big part of 25 will be learning to let go and trust that God knows what He is doing with my life. I mean, I believe that in theory, but actually putting it into practice is a lot easier said than done.”

I think I hit the nail on the head with that one. This year has really tested my faith, my strength, my patience, my everything. It’s been a roller coaster trying to navigate life with a baby, without a job, without my dad, without school, just me, Bret, and Amelia. I’ve stressed myself out over things that may or may not happen, things that aren’t happening right now, and things I cannot control. And each time I do, I get to point where I tell myself, “Mary, what are you doing? What happened to doing everything you can and letting God handle the rest?” As someone with anxiety, trusting God to handle situations I can’t control is not my first step/reaction. I think this is something I’ll struggle with my whole life but I’ve definitely gotten better at it. I does help having a mom who is able to calm you down and tell you to just pray and trust God has a plan.

Right now I’m in the midst of finding a job. I knew I’d be ready to go back to work when Amelia was ready for daycare. Every time we see other kids in the store, she screams at them in excitement because she wants to play with them. She is definitely ready! So time to find a job! A big part of my anxiety has been my inability to find a job, but I will continue to apply and interview while trusting in God that I’ll eventually find the right opportunity.

I’m hoping this next year is a year of hard work, education, and success by finding a job and working hard to do well. I also pray that this year will bring joy as we continue to watch Amelia grow. My biggest prayer is for Bret and my relationship and we remember to focus on us and not so much Amelia all the time (time to implement those weekly dates again!).

Hope you enjoyed this birthday post!

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